The internet is my friend?

I thought a cone biopsy was one of the most unpleasant experiences a person, namely a woman, could put their breasts through.

I was wrong.

The lymph node sample is worse. The poor ultrasound lady (I’m sure that’s not her correct title, but its all I have at the minute) said that she used to enjoy her job working with mums and their tiny babies, photos through the womb for expectant parents. And now she gets to inflict pain on people, taking needle biopsies of their nodes.  I thanked her anyway, for doing her job and being pleasant and trying her best to put me at ease.

I keep having to remind myself that these people in their jobs, have to deliver devastating news to families across the country on an almost daily basis, they must get little appreciative smiles of joy when people see them coming.

I know I don’t greet my surgeon with beams of happiness, least of all because the news she has delivered me so far has been far from excellent.

The first news, the big C news was the tip of the iceburg. Words like secondaries, bone scans, brain scans, lymphodema. What the ? I don’t know what your talking about. 

I think they should write a dictionary for patient/doctor speak.

Surprisingly enough, after my first visit to the doctor I came back, armed with my trusty notebook and pen and scribbled these words down for further 'googling'.

If anythign your brain freezes halfway through the conversation concerning your breast and its seven centimeter growth and takes a wander down panic distraction lane, into a field of blissful ignorance only to be brought back to earth with a thump when all these hidious words assault your eyes from your notebook pages, from the comfort of your own sitting room couch.

Information is key, I’m a pretty practical person, I need to be informed, then I can feel somewhat in control.

And for this, I need to feel in control.

Macmillan, Action Cancer, Cancer Health, Irish Cancer Foundation,

I don’t know where to start, so I open them all, one tab after another, I make myself a green tea, organic of course, and I begin to read. The hollow feeling in my stomach gets deeper and deeper, the words swim across the page and I start to feel the tears coming, silently and automatically they fall from my eyes, I don’t bother to brush them away, I don’t bother to blow my nose, I carry on reading.

The tears are for my life which has just changed dramatically and will never be the same again. They must come at some stage and I’m sure there will be many more times when I feel like this but for now, I continue to read. I read about my cancer and all the things that can, might and might not be affected by it. I read and ignore the salty tears because I don’t have time for them right now. I have cancer and need to learn about it, need to know about what is coming so I can prepare.

The internet is my friend and information is key.