Oh HELLO! What's this?

I'm making muffins, lemon curd muffins, and I'm adding all the things I'm not supposed to have, dairy....in goes a jug full of full fat milk, I cock my head a little, daring it to say anything akin to a reprimand. I chuck in a heaped spoonfuls of full fat, full cultured yogurt and wait for that little annoying voice of caution and goodness to go off in my head. Normally, when tempted to fall off the 'dairy free/wheat free' trolley (both of these things give me eczema) I get a little niggling, nagging voice in my head warning me, cautioning me, reprimanding me about my diet. Today, I think I have scared that little voice away.

To say I'm in a stinker of a mood is an understatement.

I chuck in a couple of eggs to the mix and beat the crap out of the batter with a whisk, taking out some of my stinker of a mood on the poor cake mix. I spoon mixture into the paper cake cases and it sticks to everything. My language is attrocious as I curse that very cake mix which I should be preparing, so lovingly.

Damn STinKEN Cake Mix. Damn Stupid Cancer. Damn misaligned one and a half boobed chest. Damn short, spikey hair. Damn stubby nails. Damn people staring. Damn everything.

I fling the tin in the oven and stomp to the couch, muttering profanities as I go. The little voice in my head offers a suggestion...perhaps a round of calming yoga might help my mood. I tell the voice in my head to flip off and I flick on an episode of America's Next Top Model, heckling the contestants for the whole show. If they could hear my not very philanthropic remarks I would have a room full of non too friendly wanna be models baying for my blood.

I'm so tired (damn cancer). I want to curl up under the duvet and sleep for a year but its only four thirty, my house mate should be home soon. Where is she, she is flippen well late, and she should be home by now, doesnt she know I have been slaving away in the kitchen all day (ok for twenty minutes only) preparing cake for her (last time I checked, she is not a mind reader and couldn't possibly know that I intended on making cake). But that's not the point. She should be home.

I think about calling my boyfriend and giving out to him for leaving the toilet seat up in my house two mornings ago. I pause and reflect a minute...might my behaviour be a little eratic, nurotic perhaps. NO NO no....not at all, I am entitled to be enraged over the toilet seat and SHOULD call him to complain!

Oh my dear god...I think Im loosing my mind. Did I take a double dose of Tamoxifen this morning or something. I feel fat as well, to top it all off. Fat and bloated and moody, and cranky and I'd love a bar of chocolate...hurry up cakes...bake damn you.

Ughhhh, that girl on American's Next Top Model is so pretty....go and eat something, I shout at the screen. The need to pee takes my attention and drags me away from pounding the tv screen. I stomp upstairs to use the loo, mumbling nasty comments about skinny super model wannabes the whole way.

Oh Hello, What's this?
Two minutes later I'm in slight shock, then begin to dance around the bathroom and hoot with glee (no, I'm not bipolar I promise). I am bloated, cranky, chocolate craving and menstruating.......how can this be even happening, I'm on menopause inducing tablets, I have hot flashes and night sweats. Wait a minute...so now, that my period has started I will be having menopause and menstruation all at the same time.
Huh?

How is that even possible? I don't know. I don't care. I need to go to the shop and buy supplies (in a fit of depression a few months ago I threw out all tampons and towels). As I skip to the shop, saying a friendly hi to all my neighbours, patting the little annoying yappy dog at the end of the street, smiling at the post man in true mary poppins style (all I need is an umbrella and a carpet bag and the scene would be set). I stop at the isle in the shop and wonder...hold on  a second, what does this actually mean? I don't know...I need google...I need to talk to someone who can explain how both these things can be happening at once...I need the INTERNET, wise and all knowing.

I shuffle out of the shop and speed walk home, my mind going ninety miles an hour.
My house mate is home, sniffing around the cakes.

I forget my mission for information and for the first time in my life I am excited to be sharing my menstruation news with someone.
'I got my period.' I yell at her. She is stunned into silence, one hand reaching towards the cooling buns and she takes a minute to digest my strange declaration, the stupid cheshire grin on my face and then the penny drops.
'Oh' she says. Then, 'congraduations, let's celebrate.'

She takes my hand and drags me out the door and down the street, me chattering happily as we head to the ice-cream parlour to get a chocolate fudge sundae to celebrate the return of my period and all the things that may mean or not mean.

I forget the episode of america's next top model, my rain cloud mood and my tiredness. I am menstruating and right now, that is the best news ever.